In truth, we have two mothers. One, our biological mother, who birthed us into this world. Her physical body created our physical body and our dna. Two, our cosmical mother, who we share our soul essence with, the Pachamama. Our birth mother is a human being like us, having her own human life experience and often carrying personal wounding and suffering from this lifetime. The Pachamama on the other hand, is the pure, eternal energy of the feminine Mother. She is the moist, damp soil, the flowers and plants. She is our Earth Mother and her energy flows within our bodies as the divine feminine.
In many indigenous cultures, it is understood that the role of birth mother is to care for our physical body and the role of cosmic mother is to care for our energy body. We need the combination of these connections flowing in our lives from infancy to be well.
My personal wounding was with my birth mother, a relationship that has been so complex and challenging since the moment I was born. My most painful memories during infancy were feeling, I was unwanted and unworthy of my Mothers love. A young mother who deeply struggled herself - not being loved by her mother, loss of her father, bi-polar disorder and alcohol addiction. Her stories have always been different than my memories, for she has said time and time again, the day you were born was the best day of my life. But then why in my being, could I never feel this? What was missing? This exact question is what set me onto a path of searching for the truth.
In many ways, I feel my mother believed that having me would heal the broken parts of herself, and in some ways it has. For we are each others greatest teachers in this lifetime. Yet, as a baby, a child, I was lost in the dark abyss, my soul path being put aside and my new mission failing, as I could not save my mother. This followed me my whole life, this role I had taken on, trying to mother my Mother. Because of this I often felt my childhood was lost and many memories were consciously blocked.
In my adolescent years I grew to hate my mother. Being in her presence brought me tremendous anger. I swore I would never be like her and beneath this anger, was the deepest hole of grief. The kind of grief that reaches your bones. Because of the emotional pain and experiences during my infancy, I never wanted to be a Mother. The thought of being a mother was actually terrifying. But this was only on the outside. In the inside, I was able to see especially during plant medicine ceremony, that my soul longed to be a mother in this lifetime. This was in fact my life's work, to heal this part of myself. The fears I carried my whole life, of being like my mother, have passed with my healing. For the past decade, I have dedicated my life to healing the feminine within me. I have done this through deepening my connection with Mother Earth and other angelic feminine forces. This has supported me to flower into my authentic self.
When I look over my life, I see that the moments of deep healing always happen for me in Peru. I know that when the land calls me back, there is more work to do. I follow this call for as a healer, I have dedicated my life to healing myself and supporting the healing of others. Returning to Peru these past years, the truth surfaced as I saw myself as an infant - my most basic needs not met, especially for food and physical touch. And beneath that was the deepest grief of all, a pattern I had carried my whole life - looking outside of myself for love.
The greatest gift I received was my younger sister birthing her daughter, my niece Meta. It was through her birth that everything came full circle. I remember one of the first times I held Meta in her room, singing mantras in Sanskrit while she was sleeping in my arms. I remember saying to her, I love you so much, thank you for coming, for blessing my life, for making me an aunt, you are truly a miracle from Spirit. And I couldn’t believe it, but moments later her spirit spoke, I chose you as my aunt to help you heal the part of yourself that is still scared to be a Mother. Wow, I knew she was right. With her birth has come a new wave of healing, especially witnessing the sacred relationship between mother and baby. This is what I’ve learned, what I was missing from my mother that is now reflected back to me through my sister and niece.
The role of Mother is to reflect back to the baby the love that lives within its being. When these capacities are built during infancy, the baby will grow knowing that divine love lives inside of him/her.
This is what I was missing. My mother could love me with her entire being, yet because she could not connect with the love inside of herself, she was unable to mirror back to me this truth - divine love lives within me. It has taken many years, and our relationship is by no means perfect, but I love my mother, for the beautiful soul she is and for her courage to bring me into this world.
As a triple Earth sign (Sun in Virgo, Moon in Taurus, Ascendant in Capricorn) I was born carrying the medicine of the Earth. For this reason my path has blossomed into that of a Curandera, a healer who heals through her connection with the Earthly plants and with the Spirit forces of the Cosmic Mother. All of the therapies I have used for my personal healing I share in my Individual Sessions and Womb Healing Ceremonies. There are cleansings to heal your lineage, practices to deepen your connection with Mother Earth, using plants and flowers to bless your subtle body, and meditations for forgiveness and healing your heart. Healing is possible and above all, we must always have faith.